Ah, yes, I'm jamming to America's first Idol, Kelly Clarkson. Not a huge fan but this song is just resonates with me right now. It's got a good beat, I can dance to it and best of all, it speaks the words of my heart right now. I don't know what's going to come from all of this but blogging was my on my to-do list and thus, a-blogging I will go.
This whole surgery thing has finally got to me. I didn't want to be that person - I wanted to be tough, like "Look at her getting around." And to an extent, that was the case. I was up and about with my pimp cane after spinal fusion way before I should have been. Now folks, that ain't strength, that's called being blessed. After a week or so, my hand started to hurt and I noticed on the palm of my left hand there was a lump growing rather quickly. All sorts of speculation, zombie? Forgotten twin? Upon real medical opinion ganglion cyst/benign tumor. Fairly common, no real concern, let's get's this guy out before I return to work. Heck, I could handle it, right? I'm tough! But included in the hand was a nice little surprise- a blood clot. Scary because we have a genetic factor that allows our bodies to form clots for no reason. After Hannah was born, my dad had some weird back pain, went to the doctor, and they rushed him downtown with a double pulmonary embolism. We had a late miscarriage before Hannah and they believe a blood clot was the cause. After I was done birthing my babies, I just kind of forgot about it. There's all these rules and it's all complicated and if you read any of my other blogs you know life was ready to become real complicated.
Today I just decided I had it. I wasn't leaving the house if I didn't want to. I would stay in pajamas (shower and change) but stay inside in my pajamas. I refused to call the hematologist - because that would be medical visit number five and because an innocuous doctor visit turns into some complication. Including the removal of my dressing, all the pretty stitches are falling out and that just doesn't look right.
I just couldn't take it anymore - and then the floodgates opened. Tears of pain, anxiety, sorrow for pain I'd caused my family. I know my life isn't bad - but boy, it hurt today.
So what turned it around? Strange stuff but I busted my laptop open to check my work email due to....well due to a long story. Anyways, I thought, this is not for the weak - I need to activate Spotify immediately. And up popped my girl-gal Kelly Clarkson and her first track from her new album. And I thought, darn, this woman be smart! None of this has killed me, so I must be getting stronger! Am I healed? No....but you know what, I'm leaving the house tomorrow in regular clothes. I'm back in pajamas but they're clean and it's after 9:00. I'm enjoying some of my old favorites on Spotify: Indigo Girls. And I'm calm.....and stronger.
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